I used to love myself, so much.
I was unbelievably confident. I did not workout, eat healthy, or do anything to try and change my appearance.
I was not very concerned with anyone’s physical appearance for that matter. I truly believed that beauty came from the inside, which is the absolute truth.
Even though I lost that part of me, that accepting, not vain or superficial part, I have found her again.
This is a facebook post I found last month, that I had shared in 2012.
How To Be Beautiful
This is a project.
I have a HUGE vision for, “How To Be Beautiful” and plan to turn it into an empowering, life changing, tool.
Over the past four years I have been struggling with my body image.
I was only 15 when I first started to want to manipulate my body. Naturally carrying fat on my upper body, I desperately wanted a “flat and toned” tummy. I quickly began an exercise regimen that consisted of running, pilates, and Jillian Michales “6 week six pack” workout video.
Seeing minimal results, I turned to Google for advice, “I’m working out 6 times a week why am I not getting skinnier?”
And of course the top hit searches told me to look at my diet, and calorie intake. Needles to say- I restricted calories and jumped on a “clean eating” plan that limited me to one cheat meal a week, and told me to cut out the carbs.
Being the determined person I am, I stuck to the diet exactly. I also found different types of exercise, and really amped up my routine. Before I knew it I was almost completely carb free, a HIIT fanatic, and a size zero. I was always cold, tired, and had no social life.
I constantly thought of food, exercise and never strayed from strict routine.
Shortly after I reached my “goal” body, I decided I wanted to pursue a modeling career.
This almost instantly led me into the darkest part of my eating disorder. I was so consumed with the size of my waist, and the ‘broadness” of my shoulders. Submitting your self to dozens of agencies, receiving dozens of rejections, definitely points you in the direction of serious self ridicule.
Comparing myself to other models on Instagram, measuring my waist 3 times a day, and relying on the opinions of others for validation became my daily ritual.
I was also constantly worried about the number of followers I had on my instagram account, it is such a vital part in having a successful modeling career..
This is no way to live.
Stressing over your appearance does nothing positive for you.
Letting some one/thing calculate the amount of love you are going to show yourself is ridiculous.
Caring more about the way you look in the mirror than the way you are impacting the world is absolutely heart breaking.
I have realized all of this now, and left the modeling career behind.
This does not mean the damage I have done to myself, mentally and physically, has vanished. It has not. Four solid months later and I am still trying to heal myself.
But, this whole experience has brought me to a very real realization; our society has created a world obsessed with outer beauty and addicted the self hate.
And from this was born a mission. I want to know how to be beautiful.
I plan interview women of all ages about beauty, society, and self-esteem.
I want to remind everyone what beauty truly is, and hopefully mend the relationship I have with myself in the process.
There will be a YouTube series on my channel titled “How to be beautiful.”
I cannot wait to see where this project takes me.
I really hope to spark change in the way we treat ourselves.
Lots of love,