Escaping My Eating Disorder

I am finally getting to a place in my recovery, a place in my life, where my eating disorder is disappearing. The faint voices of Orthorexia do not compare to the love I am developing for myself. The positive voices are truly out weighing the negative.

The first few months of recovery seemed impossible. I vividly remember attempting to pull my size 0 pants over my growing thighs, tears perpetuating from my eyes.

I felt like the world was slipping through my finger tips.

3 years of “hard work” to achieve the “perfect body,” and I was destroying it all in a 3 month period.

I knew I could never go back to my old life style, because that seemingly perfect body was achieved on a low carb, high protein diet- one filled with seasoning-less chicken & broccoli, but I am vegan now. Once I learned about the animal cruelty, I knew I could never live that life style again.

I felt completely out of control. Lost. Disappointed. Scared.

In my head, my old, sick, body was tied to my self worth. Autumn was skinny Autumn was fit. Autumn was disciplined.

But now autumn was chubby. Autumn was resting. Autumn was binge eating.

I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. I was confused and purposeless.

       Who am I now?

I was forced into rediscovery. I got to redefine Autumn. I got to dive into all of my old interests: fashion, writing, baking, spirituality.. And then I found YouTube.

All of a sudden everything seemed clear.

            The way I look has nothing to do with who I am.

I used to be skinny, but I was miserable. Now I am 8 sizes bigger and some how happy.

    How does that work?

Society teaches us that our bodies define the quality of our life.

But I can tell you from experience, that is the biggest lie you will ever be fed.

I am happier right now than I have been in 3 years. I spend my time doing what I love. I am not scared to be myself. I am not scared to talk about what I’ve been through, because it is a huge part of the person I am today.

I still struggle. I still find myself comparing my current body to the one I used to have..

But I ask myself “At what cost did I look this way? And what happiness did it bring me?” And then I snap out of it. I tell myself I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am loved.

I move on with my day. I move forward with my life.

YOU are beautiful. YOU have a body that loves you.

I hope you realize how beautiful life can be, if you allow yourself to live. 

Lots of love,

Autumn