Making Peace with My Body

The journey I have gone through, in terms of making peace with my body, has been an interesting one.. to say the least.
I grew up in a house full of love. Two parents that genuinely loved each other, doing their very best to give me and my siblings everything we needed. We lived on a huge property, in a trailer home, with not a care in the world. My grandma was just down the dirt rode, and mt granny (my great grandma) was our next door neighbor. My child hood was composed of fairy houses, horses, go-carts, art projects, softball, swimming pools, tire swings, and magic. There was no time to worry about appearance, my days were too full of fun.
My grandma passed away when I was in 5th grade, and then my granny left us a few years later. Some how the magic drifted away with them. The connection I had with my grandma was not of this world. I have never felt so deeply tied to another soul.. Of course I did not understand that at the time, but that’s when my world began to change.
I stopped playing out side and started straightening my (already straight) hair.
This is where I first began to lose sight of my true self…

Junior high is a weird but special time. I was tall, chubby, and extremely awkward in my body..  But I literally did not care. I was focused on sports and friends.
And I knew I was pretty. I knew my friends were pretty too!! & I was really baffled at the fact they struggled with seeing their own beauty.

By the time 8th grade rolled around, I was in a really great place with myself. I had started losing my “baby-chub” and felt super confident in my skin. This is also when I decided to model…
I found an agency and things were looking great, until my agent told me (when I turned 15) that I needed to lose 10-15lbs. I weighed 125lbs at the time, being a 5’9 teenage girl. Can you imagine the horror my mom felt??
Me- being super set on becoming a Victoria Secret model, began my journey to lose weight. I became so fixed on vanity & fitness that it completely took over my life. I was so focused on how I looked and what I ate I could barely exert energy to my friends, family, and relationship. This time in my life was dedicated to modeling. I wanted to model so bad.
{Fast forward through 3 years}
Last summer, July 20 2016- My boyfriend and I left to NYC to pursue my modeling career. This was a whirlwind. I was eating less than ever because I was so busy & stressed out, but also burning more calories than ever because I insisted on walking every where.
My relationship with my body was horrible. I compared myself to every model in every agency. I picked apart my myself- I knew my flaws by heart, what about my body was “deal breakers” to agencies.. It was dark.
I was also told often that I needed to change certain things about me. I needed to change my style, I needed to fit in with the other models. I needed to buy new clothes, go to parties, know the right people..

It literally felt like I was selling my soul.
I knew in to the core of my being modeling wasn’t going to work out for me. I knew it wasn’t who I was..
I recall crying one day in NYC, telling my boyfriend, “half of me wants to pursue modeling but the other half of me wants to move to an island and do yoga.”
My intuition was screaming at me.

When I finally decided to go home, I was lost. I was scared & honestly, I was disappointed in myself. I felt like I failed.
And then, the weight started to come on. I needed it, my body was so hurt from years of over exercise & under eating..
It was hard to see myself gain weight. Going from 105lbs to 145lbs in 3 months was scary. Going from a size 00 to a size 8 seemingly overnight.  Especially because I had put so much value in my outer appearance for so long.

 

I stopped looking at myself. I stopped trying to make myself be something I was not. I did not know what my “natural” body looked like anymore, because I had manipulated my body for so long. I had abused her. Talked ugly to her. Worked her past her limits. Starved her. Punished her. I had treated myself like someone would treat someone they hated. There were no love in my words, no love in my eyes.

I let go of my body standards because I let go of modeling. And that’s when the soul work started. I stopped putting pressure on myself to be something.
I no longer had any expectations for who I should be. I could finally just be myself.
The process of letting go is the most difficult, because it requires you retraining your brain. You have to consciously stop putting energy into your body. You have to consciously make effort to put that energy into your soul.
What do you like to do?
What makes you happy?
You have to get back in touch with who you are. And from their you will realize:
It doesn’t fucking matter what I look like.

Peace with your body PIN

You will be able to make peace with your body when you remember your soul.
That’s what changed my life.

Lots of love,

Autumn

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10 thoughts on “Making Peace with My Body

  1. Autumn your words just have a way of bringing me back to centre. Whenever I feel myself drifting off into orthy-world, I read your blog and always find something that awakens my nurturing side. Thank you for all your work into this blog and the help you give selflessly everyday to so many souls ❤ Sending love

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Autumn, You are a beautiful sole!! You help so many people with your videos and all the things you share. Bless you. You are such a beau young lady. Keep up the good work. You are blessed.

    Liked by 1 person

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