This is me on my 19th birthday a few weeks ago. This is me, right now.
I am writing to you guys from my bed, where I have been these past few days- tired and seriously out of energy.
My weeks have been slow compared to life only a few months ago.
And as the dust is settled on my, what has been, crazy year; things are starting to become so obviously clear.
I had an eating disorder.
No I was not bulimic. No I was not anorexic (to my knowledge, anyways. I might have been technically classified anorexic based on my body fat percentage and weight).
But- No, I was not healthy.
My mind was not healthy, my relationship with food was not healthy, my exercise addiction was not healthy, and my body was not healthy.
At the time, in my mind- I was the definition of healthy. But in reality, I was far from it.
I ate a ton of chicken, greek yogurt, protein powder, and veggies. I had very little carbs and way too much protein and fat, unknowingly damaging my body and mental health.
I justified my strict eating with my goal of being a model.
“I need to be this skinny” I said to my 23.5″ waist and 33.5″ hips.
I obsessively searched through the website of major agencies and wrote down the measurements of my favorite models.. In hopes of fitting the standard.
“Am I small enough?” “Am I worthy enough?”
There are girls who are naturally that thin. Those that eat as much as they want and collect no weight (that does not mean they are healthy, though). But the majority of women, the majority of models have to be on some kind of harmful diet to be that little.
I have gained quite a bit of weight in a very small amount of time. And I know my body needed it. Having such a low body fat percentage was not ideal for my body type.
Getting those abs, that I worked so hard for, came at the price of my health. I was not happier, in fact I was constantly stressed about working out and eating- food and sweat.
My life revolved around my personal appearance, and what others, people I did not even know, thought about my personal appearance.
Looking back, it is so painfully obvious why I spiraled into such a low place. I was trying to fit an image that I so clearly am not.
Being as skinny as a victoria’s secret angel did not make me feel beautiful.
Gaining weight, reprogramming my mind, and accepting myself for exactly what I am has not been easy to deal with.
We wonder why so many girls suffer from eating disorders when society promotes such an unrealistic version of “beauty”
“Be the change you want to see in the world”
It is about time I starting living by this.
It’s about time we all do.
Lots of love,